Remember the "Decisions" post awhile ago? I had three things with which to make a really big decision. Option 2 closed itself, by itself. Option 3 became harder to manage, and Option 1 became the option we were going for - we decided that that option was the right one and were getting very excited about it and doing lots of planning! Well, we took steps to finalize that option when we were told that that option was not available anymore. Mark is upset about it, but I am crushed.

So we are giving up on our options, and just leaving things the way they are. I will be wallowing in my own special pity-party for awhile, but I'll get over it eventually. Prayers for peace and comfort would be great.

Just wanted to let you know whatever came of the big decision we had to make. :o( No decision at all.

First, I want to pay tribute to my two fathers:

First, to my dad, Keith. My dad was like a god to me when I was little. When he was around, I was in awe of him. I wanted everyone to know that he was MY dad!! When he talked to me or paid attention to me, I felt like the most important person in the world because he noticed me. When I was 10, he went on a Bike-a-Thon with me and we rode 12 miles all over New Orleans. (Neither one of us thought we could make more than a mile, but we did 12 pretty easily!) It was one of the best days of my life. I was a real pain in my elementary years, and I know I stressed him out a LOT, but he did his best and I know he still loved me, even so. I didn't see him much during my later growing-up years, but I've always held him in the highest honor. I love you, Dad!



Next, to my stepdad, Joe. Joe married my mom when I was 19, I think. He never had kids and was never around teenagers, so he was really nervous whenever he had to spend time with me (like in the car when it was just the two of us, for example), but he never complained in front of me and I didn't know he was so scared. lol He has always been good to me (and my mom) and though we don't really have a traditional father-daughter relationship, I do consider us to be friends and I dearly love spending time with him - you will never laugh as much around Joe as you will around anyone else! When I graduated from college, he and I drove a U-Haul from WA to TN, where I landed my first job. We spent 5 days together (by then he wasn't quite so scared of me!) and had a blast, yelling our guts out out the window at cows, doing a little sightseeing, and teasing each other constantly. What a fun trip!! Joe, I love you like a father and I'm so glad that you've been there for me for so many years! You've never complained when I've needed you time and again, and you've accepted my kids as your own grandkids. I love you, dude!!

My kids have a new father, as well. Mark and I married almost 2 years ago, and he accepted my kids 100% as his own. They look at him as their father, nothing less, and the "blend" has been incredibly smooth. For Father's Day this year, we went to a restaurant called "Fishlips" in Cape Canaveral as one of Mark's favorite exasperated expressions is "Fish lips!!!". We had a nice day. Thank you, God, for bringing Mark into my boys' lives.

A rite of passage: mowing the lawn.

When I was 9, my grandpa let me drive his riding mower in Iowa - over a HUGE, beautiful hilly green lawn. It was one of the biggest days of my life!! Then, when I was 12 (I think - maybe 11), he let me actually MOW the lawn, and it was the best chore there could be. I looked forward to it every summer when we visited!! (My grandpa was the BEST!!!!!!)

Reese is 14 1/2, so I figured it was time he started mowing. He's been wanting to for some time, and I let him drive it on the street on our dead-end when he was 12 or so, but today he became a Man.

He did great, too!! We have a lot of debris in our yard, which makes it a difficult yard to mow (which is one reason for the delay). Lots of sticks, dog toys and plaster chunks from all of the remodeling and the room we put on, but Nikolai and I helped pick up as much as we could and I let Reese do his thing.

He's trying to be modest, but I know he's as proud as he can be at his new responsibility!!

Here is little "Simey". Poor kid doesn't have a new name picked out for him yet, but we're working on it. We're also working on GETTING OUR DURNED DOCUMENTS PERFECT. It seems that the SDA (Ukraine officials in charge of adoptions) is being picky about one document and is making Mark write a letter re: his employment status (he is self-employed). UGH. We already had the homestudy agency write an addendum (they are the ones who screwed up initially) and sent it over, but I guess it wasn't good enough. So, in the meantime, weeks tick away while our boy is sitting over there waiting for us. No, he doesn't know about us, nor does he know any world exists outside of his orphanage, but still... We are SO ready to go get him!! Also, the boys have camps that they wait the whole year for (Reese has amputee and church camp and Nikolai has church camp) and the timing of this is going to seriously mess up their camps, not to mention school this fall, as they were supposed to go to Seattle to my mom's for several weeks while Mark and I traveled!!

I'm whining, and I know it. So what. I feel like it. It has been that kind of day.

Here's Issue #2 in our house. Poor little Daisy and her ongoing leg problems. Because she has had so many issues on her right leg (the left leg problems have been minor), her "hamstring" muscles are very, very tight and her leg won't reach down to the floor. The vet today removed her sutures and showed me how to stretch, stretch, stretch her, but the poor thing acts like she's in so much pain I hate to touch her!! He did give us some more pain medicine, thank goodness, and the stuff he gave seems to help her.

But it's so sad. She's not the happy, wiggly, "every day's my favorite day" dog that she used to be...!! She goes in her bed far more often, she doesn't chew on bones, and she just doesn't have that "spark" that she used to have. She seems depressed. She does give LOTS of kisses like always and she loves attention, but she just... acts like an old dog. She's not even 2...

So today hasn't been the best. Not the worst, but certainly not the best... :o(

*sigh*

Reese loves to play ball. ANY kind of ball. But his favorite is baseball, followed by softball. He held out on Little League this winter as he was trying to get a job, but the job never came, and it was too late for LL so he was really looking forward to playing softball. His games finally started, and I just got a new camera, so I thought I'd pair them up and see what happened. ;o)

While it's not 100% perfect, Simon's room is ready for him!! We've sort of had to piece it together, with some stuff borrowed from the boys, some stuff bought used from second-hand stores, and some stuff bought new, but we don't think he'll mind. ;o) Here's what Simey will come home to:



His closet full of clothes of various sizes and types. ;o) (Buying clothes was the fun part and very therapeutic for me as I "nest"!!!) The weird contraption that looks like a red and black torture device is actually Nikolai's standing table that he doesn't use any more. If Simon needs help bearing weight through his legs, he can stand in this device for 15 - 30 minutes at a time while coloring, eating or whatever. He may not need it, but Nikolai doesn't, so it's in Simon's room.

His dressers and some of his toys. The TV won't be hooked up to anything but a VCR where he can watch little kid movies. (Normally, I don't allow TV's in kids' rooms, but he can benefit from the stimulation of the music and language, I'm sure.)

And here is his bed!! Mark and I picked this 4-in-1 crib (crib, toddler bed, daybed, full-size bed convertible) out at Burlington Coat Factory and got a great deal on it!! The bedding is Pooh, and kind of babyish for a 5 year old (as is much of his bedroom stuff), but from the sounds of it, he is still very much like a baby and if this stuff is too young for him after all, we'll sell it or donate it. You gotta admit, it is cute, though!!! (Mark and I both grew up with Pooh and love him!!) We also assembled it to be a crib, because I think that is what he uses at the orphanage, but we can always convert it to a toddler bed when he's ready. :o)

We are getting so excited!! We think that we will get to travel as early as the first part of July!!

Poor Daisy!! Her second orthopedic surgery in 4 months!!! The vet said everything went great, however, and he expects her to have a fairly easy recovery (though I doubt Daisy would agree to that!). She is resting quietly with her beloved daddy at her side, and is being waited on hand and foot until she recovers. (And probably after...) Our poor little baby girl. She's been through so much!!!

Poor little Daisy!! I wrote earlier about how our little baby needed to have her hip redone, and today's the day. Our hearts are broken, but we know this is what she needs and this will be the best thing for her. Thankfully, she IS a very tough little dog and seems to have a very high pain tolerance. What she doesn't like are the bandages that feel funny on her and don't belong there. lol We are SO hoping this is the end of this miserable saga for her. By the end of the day today, she will have had both knees repaired, and her hip reconstructed. She's such a cheerful and loving little dog, it has been hard to watch her go through this.

It is Monday afternoon in Ukraine as I write this (Monday morning my time), and our facilitator was supposed to submit our dossier to the SDA officials today!! I am nervous, however, as there is one document (2 copies of our marriage license) that didn't copy well and some of the small print is hard to see. If they reject those documents, we have replacements that we can zip over there asap, but that would probably set us back a a good 2 weeks, and this is taking long enough! (You can see the little countdown graphic below of how long it's been since we officially committed to Simon.)

Please pray with us that the officials will accept all of our documents and give us a travel date soon! Thanks!!

This is Reese (in 1998, less than a month after his adoption). He is an extraordinary person. He is one person that I truly, without any doubt, feel God's special hand is on. I'll tell you why:

Around the time I adopted Natasha, I subscribed to a service that sent me about 200 kids' photolistings a month (the internet wasn't nearly as widespread as it is now, and I didn't have a computer yet - this was in the mid-90's). I had a big, green book, and each month I carefully added the new kids' listings in there, and removed the pages on the list of kids that had been placed, or were no longer available for whatever reason. I was always sad to see the kids go, who had to be removed each month, as I scoured that book so often, I felt like I knew the kids. I subscribed to the book around the same time as I was adopting Natasha, always knowing I'd have more than one child. I would slowly and lovingly leaf through the book, reading the kids' names and birthdates and enjoying whatever bio might have been written about the child. I dreamed about so many of the children, and certainly had my favorites, along with several that I thought I could never handle! It was definitely a source of entertainment for me, if that is an okay word to use.

Once, when putting in new kids' pages, I saw a DARLING little boy of almost 3 years of age. He had 3 limbs missing and the longest eyelashes and most kissable cheeks!! Oh, was he cute!! His name was Reeslan and his birthday was 11/94. (I have the page, and was going to scan it, but it is black and white and I didn't think it would scan through well. If I get comments asking for it, I'll put it in in a subsequent post.)

But he had several strikes against him: 1) He was a boy and boys smelled, they were noisy, they were snotty-nosed and rude. (Don't strike me!! I've since changed my tune 100%!!!) 2) He was really young. I was looking for a child of about 5, which would be 2 years younger than Natasha, who was 7. 3) His disabilities were too much. I could do one limb, or two, but THREE missing limbs?? Yikes!! That was too much!

In the meantime, I looked at 5 year old girls, which is what I wanted, anyway. There were a couple that I liked. One was Lena. I called her agency (which happened to be the same as Reeslan's) and asked about her. Yes, she was still available, and yes, she was only missing both forefeet. (Great!) But she was described as having some behavioral issues. --Stop!! Strike that one!!! My daughter Natasha was a handful enough, and having two that were challenging was too much!! But I couldn't help but ask: Is Reeslan still available?? Reeslan? The agent asked. Hmmmm... Let me look. She came back to the phone and said no, he'd been placed. Okay! That was fine. Didn't want him anyway!! I was happy for him, though, and remembered how cute he was.

Soon after this encounter, we moved from Iowa to northern Mississippi, close to Memphis, where I loved. We got settled in, Natasha and me (and the dog), and I began to look in my book again. By this time, Reeslan's photolisting page had to be removed, and I was sad to see it go. He just had a "look". Anyway, I found a new little girl that was PERFECT!! Her name, interestingly enough, was the same as my daughter's: Natalia, but the similarities stopped there. Natalia was 5 (perfect!), a girl (perfect!), with 2 malformed limbs (great!), and was described as quiet, gentle, and craving affection (fantastic!!!!). She was perfect, and as far as I was concerned, the search ended there. She even looked a little bit like me!!

I called the agency (once again being the same agency Reeslan was listed under). I asked about Natalia and said I'd like to receive her video and medical/social. Fine, they were glad to share it with me. In the front of my mind, I felt compelled to ask about Reeslan, and a short argument ensued in my brain:

"Ask about Reeslan."
"No, he's not available anymore!"
"Ask."
"No. I don't want him - I want this little Natalia girl."
"Ask. It won't hurt to ask!!"

So I did. (And BTW, I do NOT normally have these conversations in my head.)

"Is that little boy, Reeslan, still available?" (It was a different agent who didn't know I'd asked before and already been told "no".)
"Reeslan?"
"Yes. He was born in 11/94 and is missing 3 limbs."
"Reeslan... Do you mean Ruslan??"
"Uh, I guess so! His name was spelled R-e-e-s-l-a-n in the book."
"Yes, we have him and he's available. No one has asked about him so we stopped searching for him. Do you want his information as well?"
"Yes, please." (Ugh)
"But I thought you wanted a girl?"
"I do! But I can't help asking about him. He is so cute."
"Okay, they are both in the same orphanage. I'll send you videos and pictures of both of them."

[BTW, this is how we started calling Ruslan, "Reese". We thought we'd shorten his name "Reeslan" to "Reese" but then found out it was Ruslan! We liked it so much we decided to nickname him "Reese", anyway.]

The 2 day wait until the FedEx package arrived with the videos and bios was an eternity! I raced home from work on my lunch hour and RIPPED it open, practically with my teeth! I popped the tape in, and there was little Natalia, sitting on the couch, so cute!! So quiet and sweet and helpless-looking! She talked a little and did a little puzzle-toy and I was in love. As far as I was concerned, I didn't need to see Ruslan's video, but of course I was very curious about the little guy I'd been thinking about for a year and a half, now.

I watched his video, and I had to admit, he was really, really appealing. He smiled the entire time, and interacted with the person doing the taping. He did some puzzle-toys, and when corrected for mistakes, he looked disappointed, but quickly resumed the big smile. Yes, he was cute; but he was still a very young boy with 3 misshaped limbs. And that's not what I was looking for at all.

I made a copy of the tape and FedEx'ed it to my mom, who is my biggest adviser. In the meantime, I kept Natalia's picture with me and looked at it throughout the day. It was hard to forget about little Ruslan, but he just didn't fit the "template" I was looking for, unfortunately.

I finally got the call from my mom, who said she had just looked at the tape. I excitedly asked what she thought. She very methodically and objectively said that Natalia was very sweet and very cute and looked like she'd be a perfect contrast to extroverted and often overbearing Natasha. She said she liked her. I then asked about Ruslan. She paused, then burst out: "HE LOOKS LIKE AN ANGEL!!!" She said she was TRYING to be objective, but she couldn't help it - he looked like he was an angel. He glowed, and he had the look of someone who was extremely special.

Of course, I was disappointed. I agreed that Ruslan was VERY appealing, but darnit!!! I wanted a GIRL!!! And Natalia was PERFECT!! I was very torn. When it comes to matters of the heart, my mom is rarely wrong, and she gives excellent advice.

I looked at the tape again and liked Ruslan more and more, however. What should I do? What, oh what, should I do??? Honestly, no matter how cute and appealing the little bugger was, I wanted Natalia, and there was no way around that.

So one afternoon, I went up to my bedroom, opened the window and lie down on the bed. I was emotionally exhausted from all of this. I knew that whomever I chose, the other would be transferred soon to the mental institution for the disabled very soon, and I just really didn't think I would be capable of getting both. Natasha was such a handful, and being single with no family nearby, I had to realize what I was able to honestly do. It was a horrible position to be in.

So I lied in bed, and just remained quiet, with the warm Mississippi breeze blowing over me. I thought about Natalia. I pictured her in my head and thought of what I would re-name her. I would have to rename her as I couldn't have two "Natasha's" around...! What would it be?

"Ruslan."

The name was so quiet in my head I wasn't sure I heard it. I kept thinking about Natalia and how Natasha's clothes would be perfect hand-me-downs--

"Ruslan."

I knew I heard it this time. How strange! Why would Ruslan's name pop into my head?? I thought again about Natalia. Thought about how I would do her hair and hoped she'd be feminine enough for me to dress really cute, since Natasha was such a tomboy.

"Ruslan."

Okay. This was weird. I heard it loud and clear this time. Couldn't God or my brain, or whatever was talking to me realize that I did NOT WANT THIS CHILD??

"Ruslan!"

The name was unmistakable. So I argued back and clearly and deliberately, said in my head, "NATALIA."

"RUSLAN."

"NATALIA."

"RUSLAN!!"

Each and every time I heard Ruslan's name it was louder and more convincing. I wasn't scared, I was TICKED. I DID NOT WANT A 3 1/2 YEAR OLD BOY WITH SO MANY PHYSICAL PROBLEMS!!!!!

"RUSLAN!!!!"

"OKAY!!" I yelled audibly into the empty room. "RUSLAN!!!"

I was utterly exhausted. By this time, I was 100% convinced that the voice in my head was God's. God obviously wanted me to take THIS child, and he was not going to take "no" for an answer!!

After I yelled Ruslan's name in the room, I collapsed emotionally. I lied there, quiet, almost panting, from the spiritual battle that I had just conceded defeat to. Yet, even so, a sense of peace, of quietness, of "everything's going to be alright" filled me like it never has before. I realized that I had just, for the first and only time in my life, heard the audible voice of God speaking to me. I would have been terrified, had I not felt such peace. I knew that I would have to give up the dream of adopting Natalia to adopt a child that I didn't really want, but at that moment, I knew that it was going to be okay.

The adoption agency was very surprised by my decision, but they were happy for me that I'd made a decision, and the adoption proceeded as usual.

There were no paperwork delays.
There were no time delays.
There were no financial snags for me to work out.
Everything went through like a well-oiled machine.

I did not worry about Natasha's adjustment to having a barely-4-year-old brother who couldn't walk and would need so much attention.
I did not worry about attachment, and did not read ANY parenting books to prepare like I did before Natasha arrived.
I did not worry about the trip to Russia or taking time off work or anything.

Everything went beautifully, and the whole time I was at complete peace, knowing I was doing something that God had specifically, and audibly told me to do.

When I first met Ruslan, he was calm, and sitting in a big chair. I arrived in the room, and the ladies told him to look. They asked him who that was, and he said, "Mama!", flashed me that smile, and put his arms up so I could pick him up. And that was that. No adjustments, no crying, no rebellion, no sadness, no nothing. He was happy from the first moment I got him. There was only ONE issue of adjustment that I remember and it was naptime at my grandmother's house at Christmas, 2 weeks after his arrival. He cried for 15 minutes on the bed, then fell asleep. That was the extent of his adjustment.

I KNOW that God has a very specific plan for this child's life and I am honored beyond BELIEF that He chose me to raise him! Reese and I have always been close and I love him with a love that can only be the most true mother-son love there is. He has been a joy and a pleasure to raise and I have almost never had any issues with him behaviorally (although he isn't perfect!). He loves Christ and has a compassionate, gentle heart. He yearns for people to be saved and wants so badly to please his Heavenly Father.

But to those who say that God's will is a general will for His people, yes, there is a general will, I believe. But I also VERY strongly believe that God has SPECIFIC tasks for specific individuals, and if we are wise and listen to that still, small voice (that sometimes screams in your ear!!!), we can also know His divine will in individual circumstances, too.

I can't wait to see what God does with Ruslan ("Reese"'s) life. Can't you??

I know a family who adopted two little boys with Down Syndrome. One came from this orphanage. This is not their blog, but a blog that they found of someone else's who wrote a post about it. There is a video on there that will break your heart of kids (age 10??) who are learning how to wash their hands for the very first time and you'd think it was Christmas. To think that kids are thrown away like this is just unbelievable to me. Many probably have minor disabilities, but living like they do in places like this, their disabilities become much worse and they develop other pathologies, like autism... This blog post is an eye-opener...

The World Next Door

Thank God there are people like this who minister directly to orphanages like these. And thank God Simon will never see the inside of one...

I was driving along US1 on my way to pick up Reese from his softball practice and talking to my best friend in Seattle. She was giving me some sad news about her daughter and we were having a somber, serious, woeful conversation when out of the corner of my eye, I saw an airplane that didn't belong there. I did a double take, and while my friend was telling me the details of her daughter's trauma I suddenly screamed, "OH MY GOSH!!! It's the Space Shuttle!!!! IT'S GONNA LAND!!!" I couldn't help it. My best friend needed me, and I cut her off to shriek in her ear about something she could not enjoy at all with me! But true enough, there it was, coming in for a landing at a very, very slow descent, right out of my left car window. For a couple of more minutes I shrieked and went on and on about how it was coming down while my poor friend just sat there and waited until I was finished. By that time, I had picked up Reese, and he and I exclaimed and shouted at each other and were so excited while my poor friend must've felt so neglected. I felt awful... I'd never seen the Shuttle on piggyback before and wasn't expecting it. Laura, if you're reading this, please forgive me!!! You are more important than the Space Shuttle to me. I'm sorry for shrieking in your ear. You are always so sweet and you didn't even get mad at me. I love you, my friend!!

Anyone who says they don't like dogs has never really known one.

This is one of my favorite songs. I hope you enjoy it, too. :o)

You may remember that Daisy our Boston Terrier, had surgery on both knees early in March.
Since then, she has never really fully recovered. We've had her to the vet several times so that he could check and make sure that her patellas (knee caps) were securely in place and ask why she wasn't bearing weight on her right leg. He kept telling us that her knees were fine and to walk, walk, walk her and really work her out to get her leg stronger, because it was getting weak. He would check her hips, but even though her legs seemed to be of different lengths, he surmised that it was because her muscles were getting tight from holding her leg up, and he told me to stretch it and really get her to try and use it.

Well, 3 full months after surgery, I'd had enough of seeing her crip around on 3 legs and I took her back in and asked for an X-ray. I did not like the results.

Back when she had her knee surgery, she also had dislocated her hip. Her hip popped itself back into place and all was well. Or so we thought. Turns out that she had some blood vessel damage or something and this cut off the blood supply to the ball of her hip, and she ended up with a dead hip and a large crack through the ball!!!



So basically, she needs a total hip replacement due to avascular necrosis, the same as her Daddy got a year and a half ago.

Because a THR would cost $3-5000, the vet said he could do something different, which is cut off the dead ball (no comments here, please!!) and "wrap the muscles" around the empty space - or something - and fix it like that, for a mere $998-1341!!! As Reese would say, "It's Pocket Change!!!" While not completely fixing it like a THR would, this procedure would give her total pain relief (eventually) and would allow her to bear weight through it and walk and run and be pretty normal, but she'd always have a bit of a "wobble" to her gait at her hind legs and her hip wouldn't be able to bend as well as before. We CAN'T afford the hip replacement surgery, so we'll have to go with the second option. At the very least, her pain will be relieved, which is important to us.

It's not like we're desperately saving for an international adoption or anything... It's only money, right? We can make more...!!!

If we didn't love this dog SO much and if she wasn't only 21 months old, I'm not sure what I'd do. Good thing for her she is young and desperately loved!!!

You can see in this picture not only her knee scar from her surgery on the right (our left) hind leg, but you can see how she holds it up. She will touch it to the ground, but won't put weight on it, and I've totally stopped with the PT as previously suggested, which I'm sure hurt her!! She's a VERY tough little dog, though, thank goodness. If any of this would have happened to Adam, our other dog, he would have screamed and cried the entire past 3 months - that dog has NO pain tolerance, but Daisy is a toughie and can take a lot.

So that's our story for today. Can't deny it.

Well, they DO say that "boys will be boys", but Moms aren't always so thrilled with that idea. Yesterday when Mark was at the hospital and I was at work, the boys decided to have a little batting practice outside.

'Nuff said???